if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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