I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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