my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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