I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
