Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
