I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Boobs speak an international language.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
