We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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