So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
