Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
