I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
