Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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