I hate all girls vehemently.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
