bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize