There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
