Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
