You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
