he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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