this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
