Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize