But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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