So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
