Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
