So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
