You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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