was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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