I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
