im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
