puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
