my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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