Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
