Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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