I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
