I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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