I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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