All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
