i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
