just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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