The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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