i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
please don't ironically join a cult
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