new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
