What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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