my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
