Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
