you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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