Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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