This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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