you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
