Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
