I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
