I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
