Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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