I just pynch a tree in the face
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
